I am so grateful for my depression

I am so grateful for my depression
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I am so grateful for my depression. It shows me when I am not in alignment with my highest good & when I am out of balance. My emotional compass plagues me with pain until I am forced to take action. To make changes.

Recently something beautiful came out of this.

I was yet again riding a wave pf depression. triggered by a conflict between my partner and I. I’m so used to being on my high flying saucer that when I get tipped out of my good vibes, the effect feels like the whole world is crashing on me. The pain in my heart, caused by my mind, turn thoughts into emotions and emotions into psychosomatic symptoms. Leaving me gasping me for air, anxiety restricting my flow of oxygen, breathing restricted, it a hard place to be.

My mind turns into a war zone, anything could trigger the worst in me in that state. My best friend can turn into my enemy, the image of a child or a dog can leave me sobbing on the floor and all I wanna do is get out of my mind. It torments me, suffocates me, and in that dark place of depression, I see no out, I see no light, I am helpless, hopeless, in shatters, on my knees, praying to god to take the pain away.

All of this of course doesn’t happen coz of one fight with my man, or an unpleasant life situation. It stems from past trauma, fear, emotional wounds left unattended but mostly an untrained mind.

I told myself that I that I no longer will apologize for my sensitivity, I no longer will blame myself for this blessing which also at times comes in a form of a curse. It is so tough being in this mind, so tough to be feeling so much, for myself, for all the beings around me. I die a little bit every time I see someone in pain, when I see innocent animals being subject to neglect or cruelty. Their pain manifests in my heart and it destroys me, breaks my heart. I’m still learning to love without attachment, to care without letting their pain create me more pain, and at 31, I’m an amateur at this.

So the last time I went through this depression I told myself, Enough. This has to change. You can’t live like this. You can’t repeat the same things and expect different out comes. You can’t expect miracle and not do the work. And funnily enough god, the universe, kept throwing me signs.

My close friend LuLu sent a screenshot of “the 5 am club”, Robin Sharmas new book, also my brother in soul Ramindu would constantly show up on my feed sharing his morning hours, and I saw the bliss in his eyes. And I wanted what he had.

The next day with 3-4 hours of sleep I woke up at 6 am. Not 5, but close enough. I trained MMA in the morning after a month of non activity, where I was grieving my brothers’ loss. Mentally I was in a state of deep depression but I never knew that that phase would bring me the greatest gift.

An hour into training I could feel my vibration shift, the silence of the morning, the energy this planet produces in those early hours cannot be described with words. I saw its magic in day one and never turned back. That very day I jumped into bed at 8.30, started reading a book with the intention of finding relaxation to prep my mind for sleep. Mind you I hadn’t slept that early in years. My “normal” was 2-3 am. But my deep desire to elevate my life was powerful enough to wake me up at 4.30 the next day. And every morning ever since has been more exciting than, drinking, partying, doing drugs, having sex whatever stimulant for that matter. My mornings are my sacred hours, it sets the tone and energizes me for the whole day. My work capacity has tripled, my focus levels, my awareness, my excitement for life has multiplied & I cant stress enough the transformative powers of my morning routine. You can build one as you go. I start with a book that deepens my connection to the divine. So first thing when I open my eyes, I reach out to my morning read and read for about 40 minutes, 5.30 I get out of the bed, write my intensions for the day, clean my environment, burn incense and cleanse the house with sage while I play music that celebrates the divine. Then I make my morning coffee, sit in my balcony that faces a little water front with greenery, covered in mist and I sip my coffee in gratitude.

This one practice has completely changed my life. Given me a creative and energetic advantage, given me a longer day, made me more productive, more consciously aware, more compassionate and above all given me the space to be of selfless servitude for those I serve. My family, my clients and who ever I come in contact with.

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