My Ayahuasca experience, healing our relationships with our mothers.
Healing my relationship with my mother has been one of the most transformative experiences of my life. Thankfully the universe brought into my life the experience necessary for this to happen. Raised by a single mother wasn’t easy on her part or mine. She had a lot of pent up rage, frustration, pain and bitterness that most of the time would get directed towards me as a child.
She loved me so much that whenever she felt as if she was losing control over me, she flipped. She had already lost control over her marriage, my father not being the faithful type, not even when she was pregnant with me. And I grew up seeing all this.
Yet it was so hard to love her. Her anger poisoned our relationship, it turned into verbal abuse and me taking a lot of beatings. It made me resent her for years, even up until my mid-twenties. Although I knew her past, growing up in a poor family of 7 kids, her father passing only when she was 6, not having food on the table on quite a regular basis, walking to school barefoot coz they couldn’t afford shoes, just the tip of the iceberg coz the suffering she went through as a child was unfathomable. My heart aches as I write this coz this woman suffered. As a child, as an adult, a wife, a mother.
But yet again, I was young, she was full of anger. I saw nothing past the beatings and the yelling, and I grew up hating my mother.
Up until 5-6 years ago, I was invited to an ayahuasca circle. Shamans came down to Sri lanka and held this super secret two day ceremony in a Forrest with the teacher plant and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Ayahuasca is a tropical vine of the Amazon region, noted for its hallucinogenic properties. Tribal people would brew a tea from it bark, sit in a circle and consume it in a sacred ceremony. They would call it a body and soul detox. And I, this random island girl, figuring life through intuitive nudges and waves, just followed her gut into an experience that was about to transform and change her life.
I will not go in to detail as to what I saw, experienced or learnt. But I did witness my mother’s pain, and pain of all the women in my blood line. I wept and sobbed as I saw my mother cringe in unbearable pain giving birth to me. I felt every bit of it as her and as me. This experience manifested so much compassion and love in my heart towards my mother and all women subjected to pain, suffering, abandonment, betrayal and neglect. I promised myself to be the light she never saw, and today not only do I provide for her, but I spoil her to bits. I get her whatever she needs and wants without delay. If she is craving for a particular type of food, it will be on the table. When she was uncomfortable in this summer heat, I got her an A/C. take her on rides, on adventures, give her everything my father or her family could not get her. I don’t calculate, I don’t budget, I give without hesitation. And having the heart to give the way I do, has also brought me so much prosperity. I’ve noticed my income and success increase 10 fold over the years. And I know it’s the blessings of my mother and my family. And nothing makes me happier than providing for them. I only wish I could do more. They are my greatest support system, my heart is constantly flooding with love and compassion for these humans. I wouldn’t be here without them and regardless of their short comings, I will continue to love and support them till the end of my time.
Learning to love unconditionally, being empathetic towards their pain has brought me along way. I moved out and started living on my own when we had a toxic relationship. This gave me the space to reflect and also build myself into who I am today. That distance nurtured my relationships and helped us keep it healthy. Years later, just a few months ago, I moved my mother 5 minutes away from so I could better take care of her. We don’t need that distance anymore coz we have created a space of respect and love towards each other.
So by any chance if you are struggling to love the queen of your life. Remember that deep healing can come through resolving the anger and ego towards them. I used to hate my family to a point that it made me leave the country for 5 years. But today my heart beats for them and their happiness. It is my number 1 priority that I keep them happy and fulfilled. You can start with compassion and kindness. It really takes you a long way.