Takes up your capacity to love, to be focused and even to be creative which is a massive factor contributing to growth. This morning I woke up to a phone call that enraged me. I was talking for nearly 20 minutes, vision hazy, Love- nowhere in sight. And this has been one of my greatest negative emotions. Anger. First cultivated trough childhood with a plenty of beatings and cussing that came from my mother. I have a reservoir of it that I can tap into majority of the time and I am not proud about it. I need to heal that little girl first before I heal Gaia. I still don’t know how, but what I do know is that I don’t wanna house an emotion so toxic in my system. Training MMA thrice a week helps a lot. It helps release my neurotic holding patterns that have got embedded into my body during my early days, but what do I do to the calluses in my mind? The scars that become fresh every time I’m triggered? Do I go within and do inner work taking all the blame away from who or what is causing me to loose center? Do I train myself until I drop dead? Do I seek professional help? The fuck do I do?
One thing however makes sense. The notion of karma taught in Buddhism. I’ve wondered in the past why bad things happen to good people. Why do kids die of starvation in Africa? Why do women go through domestic violence? Rape? Trafficking? Shit that just doesn’t make sense.
Then my brother died at the of 19. 7 am on the morning of December 24th 2018. Toughest few months of my life followed. And these questions never stopped. In fact they got worse. Existential dread put me in a deep depression that pressured me to find the answers to the shit that kept me up all night. I went on drinking & drug binges that left me emptier than I started, but one thing kept making sense. The material my teacher shared with me. Nyanamoli thero, a Serbian forest monk from the knuckles who has always my reference point to peace. He was sharing with me Buddhist teachings that has been helping me understand the nature of the mind and this fucked up thing called karma. You might not hold yourself accountable for things, but karma will. So according to Buddhism, energy never dissipates. It travels. So if you were to be done with your current life span, the type of energy you hold within you i.e – love, greed, anger, sin etc will decide where you travel next. So as every action has an equal and opposite reaction so does your actions, thoughts and emotions.
So now when I do go through situations that angers the fuck out of me, I can tell myself “shit I probably would have created a feedback loop of karma that caused this” this can actually help me focus on ME than focusing on the trigger that I probably have no control over. This could actually help me calm my nerves. This actually can help me not give a reaction that will add more fuel to the fire. Training my mind so that can choose not to react to this emotion maybe the key. Let train. The mind and the body out of these destructive habitual ingrains. Maybe we actually can change what have been enslaving us for years.