Introspection by definition is the examination or observation of one’s own mental and emotional processes. This I think is single handedly responsible for my transformation from ignorance to self-awareness. It is responsible for my success in career and financial abundance and is responsible for making me a better human. I am less of an asshole to people close to me , I have cultivated compassion and love to be of servitude to those around me, I take responsibility for my actions and the things I attract into my life, I call myself out on bullshit, and I take action on a daily basis to create a better quality life and mind set.
I’m honestly tired of watching people complain and give their power away to people, places and circumstances. I observed this first as a child watching my mother live in misery when her marriage failed with my father. For decades I’ve watched her living in anger, frustration and bitterness, blaming him for the emotional anguish he caused her. I watched give her power away to a man who barely cared for her and till this day, nearly 15 years after he left her, she is still stuck in victimhood, blaming this man for ruining her life.
This to me is crazy. At 19 I was subjected to a horrific, abusive relationship that left me in concussions and black eyes, not only did he break my spirit with emotional and physical abuse, but he also ruined my reputation with rumors and stories that spread like wild fire in the Sri Lankan community in Melbourne. I was ashamed to be seen, to be recognized and the seeds of lies he fed my mind sprouted into self-destruction and chronic depression. I believed it when he said I looked FAT, UGLY, “LIKE A MAN” coz it was all I heard for an entire year, so even after I left that toxic space, I carried the toxicity within me for years. I didn’t know better, he was my first love, I believed him.
It took me years to break away from that cycle. To stop attracting similar men, to stop myself causing further self harm, to stop binge drinking, doing copious amounts of drugs, meaningless sex with people who wanted use me and ruining my physical and mental health. I was on a downward spiral, I couldn’t keep a job, my education was taking a hit, didn’t have real friends and could barely feed myself. There have been countless moments where I had to pick food or a packet of cigarettes and I ALWAYS picked the cigarettes. I stole to keep my stomach full, my room was a mess, I didn’t do my laundry until I had no clean clothes to wear, my visa was running out, my relationship with my family was in shatters, I always had no money even for the most basic human needs, I was in and out of relationships that did not serve my highest good, I was overweight, ashamed of myself and suicidal.
Now when I look back at that life, it almost feels like someone else’s. but from that Gaia to who I am today has been a result of introspection. I started questioning my life situation. How did I get here? From being a smart, creative, confident kid; to this broken, confused and depressed woman. Where did I go wrong? I started asking myself what I did along the way to attract these circumstances and the paradigm started shifting.
I realized that I attracted the worst relationship possible at 19 coz I grew up with an absent father a hundred and one daddy issues. I attracted an emotionally unavailable man who robbed me out of my innocence and broke me coz I grew up with an emotionally unavailable father.
I also realized that I didn’t know how to take responsibility coz I brought up as the only child being able demand anything at a whim. Never washed my own plate, was never taught to clean up, do chores, take public transport or become street smart. So the moment I was in Melbourne I acted like little girl with no skills or emotional intelligence. The man I trusted betrayed me, beat me up and abused me so I left that familiarity into a world that was not so kind. I fucked up so bad that took me 8 years to recover and find myself again.
And I found myself through introspection. I knew what caused the chaos. Mostly me. So instead of pointing fingers at those who did me wrong, I started healing myself and taking action to become a better human. Whenever in conflict I stopped yelling and started listening. Questioning myself over & over again to see if I had done my part, if I had thoughts or behavior that was not fit for a queen. If I did I would correct myself. What you see now is a result of that filtration process. I wasn’t so great 13 years ago, I made myself great by training myself to be so.
Till this day I am so grateful for that abusive relationship. It broke me until I had no choice but to refine myself like molten rock turns into a diamond under pressure . It led me to a deep depression that open me up to some of the most profound truths I was to learn in life. None of which happens to us happens by accident. They happen to teach us and bless us with opportunities to grow if are willing to learn.
Today I see humans live like headless chicken. Constantly in a reactive state, ungrounded, so far away from awareness and introspection. It is sad coz human potential cannot be reached in that state of chaos. You can’t access the state of flow that brings our dreams and desires into physical manifestation. You can’t come up with that revolutionary idea, that business concept, that realization while being an asshole/victim that point fingers in blame. This is why businesses fail, why the world is full of hate & violence, why we lack originality. it’s because we barely know ourselves. We barely go within, spend time in renunciation or isolation, we barely ask questions or take responsibility. We act like a bunch entitled idiots expecting god to give us GOOD while having zero restraint or discipline to get rid of the BAD. The bad doesn’t live outside but in the very seat of your being. It lies with years of conditioning, laziness, greed, destructive habits and ill will. Its insanity to be repeating the same load of bullshit and expect miracles. So if you truly love yourself enough to want to experience CHANGE, then start with introspection, training your mind, restraint and taking full responsibility. You attract what you are, so to attract good, do good, be good.